Special Forces

You walk into a bar and a boy stops you immediately and says, "How are you?" You answer his question and ask how he is doing to be polite. His answer is, "I love you!" You can't help but smile and safely assume he has said this to many MANY girls in this particular evening. You realize you're right after he approaches you at your table.

"I just want to tell you your beautiful. I just got back from Afghanastan 2 weeks ago. I have two bullet wounds, do you want to see?"

The difference between you and the other girls is yes, you do in fact, want to see and even touch his bullet wounds. Because this is something you've never done before. You can cross it off of your list now.

He asks you if you if your boyfriend is here. When you shake your head, his eyes light up, "Do you HAVE a boyfriend?" And you try to tell him your boyfriend is "deployed" in a strange place called Florida. But he's too wasted to stop kissing your hand to listen to what you're saying.

Your friend at the table explains that he did the same thing to her on her way in. The only difference between you and your friend is that her boyfriend was there. And for a strange reason you feel bad that this soldier boy is having such tough luck with the ladies. You consider buying him a drink and later appreciate the decision NOT to.

Before the rest of the night moves on, this soldier boy comes over and kisses your friend that beat you to the bar on the cheek. Jokingly you say, "You cheating on me?" And instead of kissing you on the cheek, he kisses you on the entire bottom portion of your face. You've never held your mouth closed so tight before.

You threaten his testicles but he returns several times to kiss your hand, forehead, cheek, etc. You're amongst people you know and you figure he knows someone you know so you don't want to punch him in the face. Not yet. But he's pushing that envelope.

Outside, while listening to a story about something that was very entertaining but you can't quite remember at this moment, soldier boy walks through the door and smiles with his chipped teeth and almost crossed drunk eyes. You hold up your hand indicating, "I'll deal with you in a moment but please stay the fuck away from me."

Once the story is finished, you turn to this soldier and advise him to keep his face far from any parts of your body. "I'd stay here for 20 more minutes just to look at you," he says. This poor guy. Just home from a place that his country forgets we're in. Holes in his body, chips in his teeth, and all he wants to do is get laid. He's in the wrong place for that because the females inside have no interest in war stories or getting shot. His approach is a FAIL and you decide to tell him this. You give him advice saying, "You can USE that! Girls will be all over that!!" about something he said that would've been intriguing to some single gal.

While all this is happening you're thinking about how you'll have to tell boyfriend that some guy rapekissed your face and you continued to be nice to him. You're feeling embarassed not so much because that took place but because you didn't act like a wretched bitch and cuss him out in front of everyone. How could you? He's wasted and obviously in a unique mental state. Outside you threatened that his testicles will be yours if he came near your face again. But no one heard that threat so it wasn't as gratifying.

Any sensation of guilt will be widdled away when you remember boyfriend sent you a text indicating he was at a strip club for longer than he should've been. When you pick him up, you start to tell him the story about your night and remember this text. You remind him that he was managing an errection brought on by naked women that AREN'T you and this is what brings balance.

You're so glad that he's home and you're even more thrilled that he didn't go to Afghanastan.