In a moment of complete and utter lack of self consciousness, you'll tell your friend of years past about your phobia of the toilet.

"But your picture, with the 'poop in my butt' and your email of 'girlsfartoo' and your ability to be drawn into conversations about shit within the first 72 seconds of knowing someone!!"

And rightfully so, you as a friend, couldn't comprehend how a gal so fond of toilet talk could possibly be paranoid about public poo-ing. But she is.

I AM.

I can't shit in a stall. I hold it, to the best of my ability, until I get home. I wait until there is no one in the women's room.

I can't splatter poop into a toilet while others are around.

And there you have it. My secret shame.